#1

So I'm not doing this for anyone to read necessarily, I just wanted to have a space to put my thoughts so that they won't be stuck in my head anymore. Do you ever feel like there's too much going on in your head and not enough space? I don't understand how my brain hasn't exploded by now with all the shit that goes on in there...

Are you happy? Is anyone truly happy? And how do you get to being happy? I feel like it's so far from reach. I can't stop fucking up my life and I know it's all in my control so why do I keep doing it? Do I want myself to be unhappy for the rest of my life? I've lost track of the days this summer, every day feels like it's a repeat of the last and I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling the way I do, I'm tired of going back to my old ways and relying on other sources to take my mind off my mind. It's only a hole that I keep burying myself into, deeper and deeper and I'm almost waist deep now.

I'm not a religious person, but when I went to Israel and saw everyone there and talked to religious people, they seemed to be in the right place in their lives or at least somewhat happy. I don't believe that there's a God out there right now in my life, maybe I will later on. Right now I just want to believe in peace and spirituality. I need to find it in myself to break this masochistic cycle I've been in for the past 6 years.

Any ideas?